The Delicate Concept Of Letting Go

Letting go is a skill. I am getting better at it. Yet, there are some days when the demons in my head overpower my rationality.

This post is about what “letting go” is. And, what it is NOT.

I talk about this stuff to whoever will listen. Quite often, I get the same objections: “Let go?? Then what?? If I were to let go, then I would just sit and do nothing??! I won’t achieve anything.”

Let me take a stab at addressing this.

What is “Letting Go”?

Letting go is about “acting in a rational way”. It is very hard to do this.

I am going to put things into a few buckets:

The Past

Everything that happens to us, gives us more information about the nature of reality.

Allow me a few moments to explain this sentence.

If we knew everything there was to know, nothing would “go wrong”.

Imagine for a second that you know everything about everything. You decide to start a new business. You are going to make products for pet owners.

Would your business fail? No. You know everything. What pet owners will pay for. How to make the product at the best cost. How to hire the right people….how to motivate these people…EVERYTHING!

The point I am trying to make is: You only “fail” and things only “go wrong” because you don’t know everything about everything. AND THAT IS FINE!

Surely, it’s highly irrational for you to expect that you know everything about everything.

But at the same time, if you “fail” or “things go wrong” it is BECAUSE you don’t know everything about everything.

Your past is a way for you to transform from a baby that knows nothing, to a grown human that knows a few things. Your past is the process of you learning about the “nature of reality”.

Now, with the stage set, let me talk about “letting go” in the context of the past.

On Regret

It is irrational to “regret the past”. Things “went wrong” because you did not know the nature of reality. And as we saw above, it’s irrational for you to expect that you know everything about everything.

If that is true, then you must stop being irrational and stop regretting. You must “let go”. More importantly, you must forgive your self for not knowing everything.

But Khoj, regret is pain! Pain that helps me learn from my mistakes!

I agree. Study the past. Discuss it. Analyze it. Extract every bit of information about the nature of reality from it. Collect those drops of experience.

Once done, you must let it go. The past has nothing more to offer you now. It’s a dried, squeezed lemon with no juice left.

But Khoj, I try, I try, I try! The thoughts just keep coming back…

Ahh. Yes. Now this is the real question. This is where you need to build the skill of “letting go”. Broadly speaking there are 2 approaches to solve this problem that I know of:

Mindfulness: Train your mind to be fully present in the current moment. Leave no space for other thoughts.
Awareness: Notice that your thoughts have their own agenda. Notice that you have the option to observe them without getting sucked into them.

I don’t know of any other ways. Maybe there are. I personally have learned how to do this to some extent because I used to meditate 3 times a day. I am not going to go into more detail here because that would take this post off track.

The Future

The future is where things can go “not as planned”. That lack of control over the future is the mother of “anxiety”.

All “letting go” related to the future is best explained in the line from the Bhagwat Gita: “Karm Karo. Phal Ki Chinta Mat Karo”.

Letting go, does not mean passivity! Krishna is clearly saying: “Karm Karo”. There is no debate about this. You must do the work. You must take action. But when that is done: You must let go.

Why does Krishna need to remind you of “Phal Ki Chinta Mat Karo”?

Because you are a tiny being. You have very limited control. If you had the power to “control” the future you would be a God. But you are not.

The above is the simple to understand part.

BUT, There is a more sinister reason why “letting go” in the context of the future is hard.

Getting Lost In The Infinite

(Side Note: I have picked up the above phrase from the philosopher Kierkegaard.)

“Karm Karo” can be split into 2 buckets:

There is a finite list of “karm” you can do.
There is an infinite list of “karm” you can do.

Finite Karm List: Easy

Imagine you are anxious about reaching on time for a meeting. To address this anxiety you try to do the following:

You leave ½ hour before the designated time.
You check that your car has no punctures the day before.
You have Uber installed
You have enough fuel in the car.
You check the address and become sure you know how to reach there.

At this point, unless an asteroid hits the earth, you can be 99.99% sure you will get there on time.

This is the finite Karm case. Your anxiety is pushing you. You do all these things. You reduce the possibility that things will slide out of your control. Having done all this, you can sleep well.

Infinite Karm List: HARD!

Imagine your loved one has cancer. Now, you have to find a way to help them to beat the disease.

What can you do:

Go to the doc
There is a new treatment, maybe that will work.
Maybe this doc was not good. We need to go to another doc.
There is a healer who might be able to help
Maybe there is a problem with stress. If they could just be stress-free, they would be healthy.
You read online that one can chew the leaves of a flower in the Himalayas, and then they would be healthy.
You read that if the person goes to the shrine of this prophet, they will be healthy.
Maybe…..

The list can go on forever and ever. The only thing that will make this list stop is that the person will die of cancer. Or maybe they recover because the 57th thing you tried actually worked.

If you have an “anxiety” that falls into this category, now you are truly tortured. What to make of “Karm Karo” in this situation? Should we keep doing the “karm”? Are 57 things enough Karam?

All of “letting go” until this point is child’s play in comparison to this one.

Buddhas Advice

Let me give the series of arguments that Buddha might make:

You are anxious because the future might not play out how you want it to.
If the future goes exactly as you want it to, you get to “avoid pain” (death of cancer person) or “feel good feelings” (living life with cancer person)
All you are doing is trying very hard to move towards good feelings and away from bad ones.
All the “karm” you do is for that end goal. Is it not?
Does the cancer person really want to try 57 things? Or do they just want to rest after trying 22? Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t.
This is not about them. It’s about your feelings. Let’s look inward at your feelings.
All you want right now is for this one thing to go as planned. But when it’s over, will you want nothing else? Will you be truly satisfied with everything for the rest of your life?
No. The saga begins again. Once more you will try to move towards good feelings and away from bad ones. The destinations will update. The game will remain the same.
The great thing is that you can stop doing the karm. It does not matter. You are a hamster stuck in a hamster wheel. You can keep running forever in this game. But you will never get anywhere.

I don’t know if the points above make sense to you. I have written a lot about the idea that we move towards good feelings and away from bad ones. We spend large chunks of our lives just doing that. So, I am not going to spend much time here talking about that.

Wait Khoj, Buddha Seems To Be Saying: “It does not matter. Even if you do ZERO Karm… It’s Fine.”

Yes. It does not matter. You are trapped in a pointless game that can never be won.

So, what is one to do? Be passive and do 0 Karm? Be mildly active and do 5 Karm? Or never give up till the person dies and do 1402 Karm?

Well, I think that is a personal choice. You can choose to be one of these:

0 Karam Person aka Dead:

Say that all Karam is pointless. Why bother? Lets exit this silly game. Kill yourself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this logic.

Middle Path Karam Person:

Do some Karam. Let the effort of the karam be felt. Let it make the joy of achieving the outcome you desire more juicier.

But, at the same time don’t go overboard. When your Karam starts to corrupt all aspects of your life, then maybe it’s time to start thinking: “Hey what am I really going to get by having full control over the future? Will it really be so amazing? Most likely not. So, you know what, I fought hard. Now I let go and accept whatever is to happen. There is more to life than this one goal.”

Max Karam Person:

You keep doing Karam and keep trying to bend the universe. You keep trying to make it do what you want it to do. And maybe in doing so, you achieve great things.

My friend Ajit really likes the quote:

“Be unreasonable, the fate of the world depends on it”.

It captures what the life of this person is like. (What my life used to be like.)

Your life is a constant stream of battles. In some ways you’re always running and always exhausted. You might even find great meaning in what you do. You might even cure cancer and change the world for the better.

If you choose to be this person, know that I appreciate your sacrifice. Your life is a troubled mess. But we all benefit from it.

I Personally Choose The Middle Path

For me, the “Middle Path” makes most sense. Fight hard, then let go. For me the last one is too chaotic and the first one is death.

But, please feel free to choose the path that makes sense to you. None of them are right or wrong. All of them just are.

A Few Words On Execution

Let go, let go, let go!!! But Khoj, how the heck do I control my mind? I keep getting thoughts of anxiety about the future and regret about the past!! IT’S NOT EASY!

Yes it’s not.

You see, as you have complained to me above: “You keep getting thoughts….”

What that means is that you are not in control of your thoughts. That’s okay. For some reason, we are expected to behave rationally and think rationally and act rationally.

But how can we possibly do that if we don’t even control our thoughts? So, free yourself from the baggage that you are in control of your thoughts.

You are not. You are not expected to be. Nobody is in control of their thoughts. Their thoughts “happen” to them.

It’s like you are sitting on your balcony and the wind is hitting you. You don’t control the wind. You experience the wind.

So, if I don’t control my thoughts, then how the heck am I supposed to let go?

I wrote about this above. So, will just re-paste that bit here again:

Mindfulness: Train your mind to be fully present in the current moment. Leave no space for other thoughts.
Awareness: Notice that your thoughts have their own agenda. Notice that you have the option to observe them without getting sucked into them.

I don’t know of any other ways. Maybe there are. I personally have learned how to do this to some extent because I used to meditate 3 times a day.

Now, I am more aware of the funny thoughts that try to take control of my mind. Now, I laugh at them most of the time. (I actually laugh out loud. It’s annoying for my wife that I suddenly start laughing.) Sometimes, I get sucked into them and act them out. It’s a skill. It’s hard. I am learning.