The Soft & Vulnerable Underbelly Of Human Psyche

Since you are about to read this, let me tell you what you are going to find. This post is a story about how I picked up a particular strange tendency of mine. I am writing it because, at the end of it, I hope to let it go.

It has been a tumor that I have been carrying around in my brain. A growth that does me more harm than good. One that I need to cut out. Today, with this post, the plan is to shine a light on it. I have noticed that the process of shining light on these tendencies/tumors, makes them wither and die. This post is a floodlight.

You probably do not have the same tumor as me. But, you might have a similar one. So, maybe this post will bring you closer to cutting that one out.

The Tumor

I have a very strong negative reaction to religious belief.

To disagree with the opinions of others is one thing. But, to have a strong negative reaction is another.

I have all these thoughts well up inside me like

Nowadays, I don’t verbalize these thoughts. For many many years, I did. In a hurtful “angry young atheist” kind of way.

The “strong negative reaction” is irrational. Why does what somebody else believes affect me so much?

If you had asked me the question some years ago, I would have told you something silly. On the lines of: “I am trying to defend ‘reason’. I am trying to prevent the world from getting dropped into chaos. Do you know how many religious wars have happened?? BLAH BLAH BLAH…”

It was a great rationalization. But it was also completely made up.

Every Homo Sepian Needs Love, Belonging & A Tribe

As I see it, the story of my tumor starts long before I was born.

According to historians, humans in their current form are called: Homo Sepains. But, we were not the only sub-species. Just like there are so many variants of dogs from poodles to bulldogs, there were a wide variety of homos (humans).

Supposedly, we know all this from the fossil record. (If you are keen to learn more about this, here is the Wikipedia page.

There were many different subspecies. Our science community has chosen names for them like

  1. Homo habilis
  2. Homo rudolfensis
  3. Homo ergaster
  4. Homo sapiens

Un-Related Fun Note: The word “sapiens” means, “one who knows” in Latin. It’s interesting that we named our-self that.

Anyways, what is really interesting about all this is that: for whatever reason, only the homo-sapiens seem to have survived.

This is especially interesting because there were bigger, stronger, and smarter homos. For example the Neanderthals.

The Neanderthals are supposed to have had bigger brains and stronger bodies overall. If we are dogs, then they are a wolfs. How did a wolf die out and the dog survive?

And this brings us to the thing that makes us unique. We can co-operate and very large numbers.

A story to illustrate this:

Imagine a man walking on the planes of Africa. And suddenly, in the grasses, he notices that there is a lion. The lion is stronger and faster. He can tear up the man in a few minutes. It looks like the man is doomed.

But then, the man picks up a gun. It’s not a gun that he made. He bought it, with money. (Money is strange fiction we all believe together). The gun is made of iron. (Iron takes 1000s of people to mine and refine). The gun has a design that has been iterated upon many hundreds of times by hundreds of people from designers to craftsmen. And there are countless other people involved in the creation of that gun.

When the man lifts up that gun and points it at a lion he is bringing the combined strength of 1000s of people to help him.

This is what makes homo sapiens special. This is why even tho we are smaller and less smart on the individual level, we are way stronger and way smarter overall.

The way I see it, ’the designer’, who or whatever that may be, took a bet like: “Let’s tone down the aggression and fierceness. Let’s make them a little more stupid. But, let’s dial up the ability to cooperate. Let’s make them desire to be loved and accepted. Let’s make them useless and feeble on their own. Let’s see how that works.”

And that design worked awesomely.

Note: I have glossed over a LOT of detail in the above. I can give you a book list if you want all the details.

Homo Puppy Khoj

So, with this design choice firmly taken root, Khoj was born. Another Homo Puppy. A puppy who needs love. A puppy who needs acceptance. A puppy who is feeble on his own. A puppy who needs a group of people to accept him and not cast him out.

Khoj feels deep psychic pain when threatened with being thrown out of the group. He is designed to feel this pain. Without it, he’s a puny version of a lone wolf. With it, he will try to find a group or tribe that will accept him.

As a modern human yourself, maybe you can relate to this. It happens all the time in mild ways.

Maybe you were on the positive end of this. Maybe somebody expressed that they would really like to spend time with you.

On the negative end of this, a group of friends decides to meet or do something. But, somehow forgot to let you know.

The close family makes up the people we depend on most for this acceptance as part of the tribe. And when we do not get it from them, we are hurt. And when we hurt, we desperately look for a way to close that gaping wound.

I am not 100% sure exactly why I ended up feeling this way. From what I remember, it was some mix of

I have talked about this in my previous writings. But, the thing I want to share here is how this lack of acceptance drove me to my “angry young atheist” phase.

Since I was feeling like a disappointment on the academic and religious side, I felt like I was being kicked out of the tribe. I was not accepted.

So, I had to find a new tribe to soothe my pain. And thanks to the internet, that tribe was not hard to find. Science!! These people are like me, I thought. They also don’t believe in silly ideas like an omnipresent God. They do experiments and collect evidence and prove shit.

I had never met these people. But they became my tribe. And all these religious people who did not accept me were idiots. “They don’t want me? Ha ha ha. I don’t want them and I want nothing to do with their stupid ideas in the first place.”

Can you see how this seed of, “non-acceptance” blossomed into these strong negative emotions?

In response to my disappointment as a student, I took the position once again of finding a different tribe. Finding another place where I was accepted. “I will build a business and show everyone. I don’t need a degree. I don’t need marks.”

From when I was in college I started my first website indiahowto.com and actually started making about 10k a month. The motivation to do this when all the other kids were having fun was also the “lack of acceptance”.

I did the college stuff and went home and worked on my website. My goal was just to pass. My Engg college friends had a thing they would say, “Anna’s motivation in life is to get laid. Khoj’s motivation in life is to get paid.” (Anna as you might guess was a total ladies’ man)

A few days ago, my cousin Sabi was telling me about picking up her graduation certificate. I told her, “Yeah, I have still not picked up mine and I am never going to need that thing. Because BLAH BLAH BLAH”. She had to send me an audio message assuring me that it was fine. If I don’t want to collect it, I don’t need to. She did not know, and at the time even I did not know, that her foot had inadvertently landed on this nerve.

The good thing is that this path, even tho fueled by rage, still lead me to learn many things. And I am grateful for it. Without my interest in “starting a business” and “showing them” at an early age, I would have not used my Eid money to buy a domain and write 300 articles and teach myself the basics of how to host a website. All of that culminates in what I do for a living today. (Which is awesome).

It’s Time To Let Go

I am going to write a small therapy session between me and my Dad. This is not actually how he would talk. But, I am playing out the argument using his character.

Khoj:

Dad, how come you believe in God? When there is so much overwhelming evidence on the other side of the argument.


Dad:

I just look at the world and see all these beautiful creatures. So detailed and intricate. I cannot imagine how they all got here. So, I am filled with a feeling that there must be God.

Besides, that is what our religious text also says. That God has created all these creatures.


Khoj:

But common!! We don’t need God for this. Evolution does fine. A blind process that creates all of this complexity without any intelligent designer. Surely you have heard about it. And Charles Darwin and all.


Dad:

Have you seen an animal evolving with your eyes?


Khoj:

No, it’s a process that happens over millions of years. Humans live very small lives to be able to see this. But, there is a fossil record.


Dad:

Have you seen the fossil record with your eyes? If you did see it, would you know how to interpret it?


Khoj:

No, I am a programmer. I make software. But I have read many books on the subject. I have seen many documentaries on the subject. Many people have dedicated their lives to the study of these things. There are museums filled with bones and fossils.


Dad:

Okay, so not you, but I am guessing nobody has seen any animal evolve. Also, there are fossils and bones, but the story they tell has to be “interpreted” right?


Khoj:

Yes, that is what they do, they interpret the evidence and see if it fits the theory. And then, more evidence comes along. They check their theories once again. And modify as needed.


Dad:

So, the theories themselves evolve and change?


Khoj:

Yes. For example, we don’t know what matter is even now. We keep finding new data and have to figure out how it all fits. So, we have to keep amending the theory. Gravity is the same way.


Dad:

So, in that case, you are also somebody who has a lot of “faith” just like me.


Khoj:

No. No faith! Science.


Dad:

See, I have “faith” in my religious text. It says something is true, so I take it as truth.

You have faith in your version of high priests. The scientist of the world. When they say something is true, you take it as true. You have not seen the evidence. And I have not seen the evidence.

And, what is more, your high priests are constantly changing their minds.

So, why is my “faith” worse than yours?


Khoj:

Because, when scientists are doing their job well, they are supposed to change their minds. They are not supposed to blindly believe something because it’s written in an old book.


Dad:

I see. But, is evolution ever going to be “provable”? In the way that things are “provable” in mathematics? Like the Pythagoras theorem or something. Or is it always going to be: Theory + Fossils + Interpretation?


Khoj:

I guess, evolution specifically will always remain that way. Outside mathematics, which is an imaginary perfect world, proofs are rare. The real world is messy and open to a million different interpretations.


Dad:

Yes. I totally agree. Proofs are rare outside the perfect world of mathematics. No matter which side you take.

So, if I were to say that there is a possibility that the world was created 10,000 years ago complete with fossils in the soil, would you be able to “prove” otherwise?


Khoj:

No.


Dad:

So, it comes down to what your priests say is the truth vs what my priests say is the truth. You like your priests, I like mine. It’s fine.

We don’t need to like the same priests.

I won’t make you feel fad for liking certain high priests. You don’t make me feel bad for liking others.

It’s a choice. You like chocolate, I like mango. I like Lata Mangeskar, you like AR Rehman. One is not right. The other is not wrong.

We are going towards the one that comforts us.

As you have written above you chose the scientists because they comforted you and made you feel like you belong in their tribe.

I feel peace when I think a God is watching over me. It helps me with my anxieties. I feel good when I pray. So, I also have my reasons too. Why take all this way from me?

Yes, on the other hand, if I harm somebody else in the name of my religion, let’s revisit this. But, if I do not do that, let me have my beliefs.

They help me cope.


Khoj:

Hmmm.


Dad:

See, I know you are not convinced. Maybe because a lot of violence has happened and continues to happen in the name of religion.

But, I have not done that. I do not plan to indulge in violence and force no matter which priest tells me to do so.

And yes, I have hurt you in the past by not accepting you and making you feel as if your priests are wrong and mine are right. When in fact, my choice is as arbitrary as yours. But, I did not know better.

So, I ask you to forgive me for that. Hold those things against me only if I do them again.


Khoj:

Okay.

A Note On Gratefulness

Since the above might be a little dark, I do not want to paint a biased picture. I am only talking about the tumors in my brain. Not the good parts.

But, I have received a lot of amazing support from my parents. And my life is nothing short of AWESOME because of it. This may be from small things like reading books to me when I was a kid by my Mom. To massive things like helping me and encouraging me to buy the house, I have now. And a million other things in between.

A group of people who actually know who I am and still accept me is my Mom’s side family. And for that reason, I am immensely grateful to all of them.

And I have a few friends who also know almost all of me and accept me. Like Ajit, Sabi, Rashida, etc.

Short Version Of The Above

We are wired to desire acceptance. We feel psychic pain when we don’t feel accepted. We need to make sure we don’t inadvertently make people feel like they don’t deserve to be part of the tribe. It has a harsh impact on them. It can drive them to have crazy behaviors.

So, be kind and sensitive to this in all your interactions.

Are there aspects of your life where you feel not accepted? Because of which you had to find another tribe? I think a very common one is for people who define them self by their job to compensate for the love and acceptance that is lacking elsewhere.